It's bad enough that they're making YET ANOTHER Indiana Jones movie. I love the franchise, but I don't know that you can top
Last Crusade, and seeing as that was the last one done, as Kenny Rogers tells us, you gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em.
It's bad enough that
Harrison Ford is reprising the role. He OWNED Indy. He WAS Indy. To me, no one else can play Indy. But that was 20 years ago. Last Crusade was done in 1989. Harrison Ford is, quite frankly, too old now. I don't care if he can still play the part, work the whip, or moan pitifully about why it had to be snakes. The man is 66.
Sir Sean Connery (perpetual swoon!) was only 59 when he played Henry Jones, Sr. I will always love Harrison Ford (Lady Readers, even if you didn't crush on Indiana Jones, you're lying if you tell me you didn't crush on Han Solo!), but you should have put your foot down and let Indy ride off into the canyon, never to be seen again.
It's bad enough that
Shia LeBouef, or however you spell it, is cast as Indy's sidekick, as I have yet to be convinced that the pipsqueak has even an ounce of acting talent, and he seems to have way too much ego and self satisfaction for having essentially
one big role in a movie that, frankly, wasn't very good, and he was not good in it. Not to mention he looks like he might start crying if you tousled his hair. I suspect he could pass for Matthew McConaghey's wimpier and less-stoned little cousin.
This is supposed to be Indy's heir apparent?? There's a feeble plastic quality to him, whereas Indy is all iron and grit and snappy one-liners. And what's with that name, "Shia" (pron. SHY-ah)? It sounds like the name of an underdressed female popstar. Oh. Apparently he's named for his grandfather. God, there was someone running around in the 30s with the name Shia?? The character's name is "Mutt Williams." Yeah, Mutt...at least they got that right. By the by, does he strike anyone else as the poor man's
Justin Long (who usually fails to excite a reaction in me above boredom, though he was fun in
Dodgeball, and while quite mismatched he seems to make
Drew Barrymore very much happy, so I guess he's okay in my book; he just looks too young for his age - he's older than I am! Do you realize he played the kid in
Ed?? Great show,
Tom Cavanagh kicks ass, too bad it got cancelled. Now how do I get out of this parenthetical digression...).
All of that was bad enough.
But who greenlighted this ridiculous title??
You read that right. Indiana Jones and the KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL.
First off, crystal is very non-Indy. Too fragile. Yes real crystal in the raw form that would have been used to make an ancient skull-shaped artifact is actually a rather strong material, but the word itself implies frailty, which as I said, is very un-Indy (unless they were prepping us for the performance of 66yo Harrison Ford?) Also, check the disparity in titles over the course of the saga:
It's long and awkward and unwieldy and out of place. I can just envision someone doing the Panties Dance when they say it. It sounds like something one of his kids made up, like Jar Jar Binks (shudder). "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Skull" would have worked all right, but add "Crystal" in there and the rhythm is all off. The movie is bound to suck just based on the title. And on the casting of Weenie LeBouef. *sigh* I'll probably Netflix it anyway just to say I've seen all the Indiana Joneses.
Why do you do this to us George Lucas? We held you up as a demigod of cinematic genius for Star Wars (at least, for Episodes IV, V, and VI) and American Graffiti and Indiana Jones and Willow (shut up! I loved it!). I know it's lonely at the top, but if you felt too much pressure, couldn't you have just chilled on your millions instead of taking such a spectacular nosedive off the pedestal, and giving us Episodes I, II, and III, and now THIS?!?!
I know I've been unreasonably harsh in this post towards both Misters LeBeouf and Ford, but I was annoyed that they were making a fourth movie to begin with and I just heard the title today, which angered me, and when I'm mad, no one is safe. But I think you can all at least back me on this:
George Lucas, you are a moron. Now go back to your ranch and don't come out till we tell you to.
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