Post-Holiday 2007

Christmas was almost disappointing this year, and by that I mean anticlimactic. Some points of interest of course, but with all the build-up, I was expecting much more disaster and chaos.

As my regulars know, my holiday schedule was all screwed up. In Husband's family, Christmas is calm, Christmas is happy, Christmas is anchored in one place. My family operates a little differently. I don't know how it worked prior to my birth (I imagine the same way), but all my life, we have done Christmas Eve with Dad's family - who lived primarily in the immediate vicinity, and Christmas Day with Mom's - which often involved a 2-hour trip to Mom's parents' house. So for most of my life, Christmas hasn't been anchored, but at least there was a standard pattern to give it some normalcy.

When Husband and I married, we had to shift things a touch, and after much debating as to how it would all work, we agreed that Christmas Day would remain anchored at his family's house. Christmas Eve was to remain Dad's property, and Dec 26 and 27th would be dedicated to Mom.

I won't revisit the confusion that led to that plan working for exactly one holiday season, but I will give you some background on my Dad's family so that you get a better sense of who we're dealing with as I examine this year's drama.

INTRODUCING THE KEY PLAYERS:

Virginia Cast

• Grandma and Grandad, aka The Grands: In their 80s and married 60+ years, they are the matriarch and patriarch of this ragtag bunch. You may remember my last encounter with them. They live across the county from me.
• Dad: The Grands' oldest child. Perhaps best characterized as a politician who missed his calling (interpret as you will). In 2003, he rushed into a second marriage and bought a house on the VA/WV border. In October of this year, the marriage was dissolved, but he kept the house.

Seattle Cast

• UncleR: The Grands' middle child, and classically so. Loud and boisterous, but seems to take his personality cues largely from other people's expectations. Found religion upon meeting and marrying AuntG 20 years ago. A realtor (for now).
• AuntG: Wife of UncleR. Uber-traditional. In my memory, has always been a stay-at-home-mom, occasionally interspersed with work-from-home things (e.g., MaryKay, Pampered Chef). Famous in the family for jumpers and turtlenecks. Very devout.
• CousinM: Daughter of UncleR and AuntG; almost 18 years old. Utterly sweet girl, smart and articulate, but I think "home schooled" says everything it needs to.

South Carolina Cast

• AuntZ: The Grands' youngest child. Essentially a hippie - I believe she did in fact live in a yurt for a time. Now an art history professor at a small college in South Carolina.
• UncleF: Husband of AuntZ. A computer programmer or graphic artist or... something. An interesting guy, but very quiet until he warms up to you. And still pretty quiet after that.
• CousinZ: Daughter of AuntZ and UncleF; 13 years old. Your standard 13-year-old only-daughter of late-in-life parents, but the spoilage seems to be mellowing.

Colorado Cast

• Sister: My younger sister. Duh.
• Niece: My niece, stupid! Gorgeous, charming, and too smart for her age. Will be 4 next month.

Okay, so the upshot is, in light of the divorce, the Seattle and South Carolina crews took it upon themselves to arrange for Christmas in Virginia as (from what I understand) a gesture of emotional support. Sister also felt similar pressure to come out to Virginia for Christmas, and so arranged for her and Niece to do so. Now, I don't know if Dad played the despondency up with them, or played it down with me, but to me and Husband he seemed downright chipper about the divorce. Regardless, since the Seattles were flying in, Sister/Niece were flying in, the SoCars were driving up, and the Grands were going to be there, Husband and I also felt obligated to attend. I like things cut and dried, so we told Dad in November that we would be there. That was the last time we felt good about the decision.

I suppose the downturn really started about December 12 when I received a holiday card and 2007 summary letter - complete with clip art - from the Seattles. Apparently CousinM has been diagnosed with some dietary allergies, though the specific food items were not listed. Husband has food allergies that will send him into hives or anaphylactic shock depending on the item, so we know a thing or two about allergies and cooking to circumvent them. I sent UncleR an email the next day (because his was the only address I had for them), asking what CousinM's allergies were, offering to try to find some recipes for her, and supplying a website selling diet-conscious food items and common ingredient replacements. UncleR wrote back on December 13, saying that he had forwarded my email to AuntG and CousinM and that I'd probably be hearing from them shortly.

On December 15, I received an email from Dad, asking me a favor. I had offered, when I accepted his invitation, to contribute something for the 26th. He wanted me to try to find a recipe that would accomodate all of CousinM's allergies - specifically a dessert, since he knows I like to bake, and he listed the verboten foods (note that this is how I learned what they were):

• Dairy
• Eggs
• Wheat
• Rice
• Salmon

Never one to shrink from a challenge, I threw myself into hunting down this elusive recipe (once I stopped my hysterical laughter). I finally found a recipe for what are essentially pecan sandies (I was warned that, without clarification from the MotherShip, "dairy" could encompass milk chocolate) - if I replaced the flour with a non-wheat/non-rice flour, and the butter with an all-vegetable margarine. Bonus - there's a Whole Foods near my office. Hooray! Rosie saved Christmas!

On December 20, I receive the much-awaited letter from AuntG. I imagined it would run something to the effect of, "Oh thank you for your concern. Her allergies are X, Y, and Z. Any recipes you could find would be great, since it can be a challenge to cook with these limitations, and we really appreciate the offer."

Instead, I received the following email - and I'll quote the entire thing here just for your own amusement. I promise, no deletions, formatting, or word replacement except for names. This is the real deal:

Rosie, in assessing our luggage situation for our trip down there, it would be ever so very helpful not to have to bring CousinM's foods with us. Instead, would you be willing to pick up a few things next time you're at the store??? Save the receipt and we will reimburse you immediately. If so, here's what she can eat:

- Raisin type bread made with SPELT OR KAMUT flour (2 loaves).
- Unflavored Soy Milk (vanilla if you can't find that)
- Corn or oat cereal that doesn't have wheat in the ingredient list
- Nucoa stick margarine
- Beef taquitos made with corn tortillas - NO CHEESE
- One package of small corn tortillas

Don't make more than one trip to find any of this. We can always shop after we get there. She doesn't have strong allergic reactions to any of the forbidden foods, but she feels much better without them. I hope this isn't asking too much of a busy young woman. Thanks for offering to help! I am exhilerated at the prospect of seeing you all. Maybe you, (Husband) and I can go off in a corner somewhere and discuss politics.

I have thus far refrained from cursing in my blog on the thought that Mom reads it, since I retain the mental hangup of my childhood about cursing in front of her. But the truth is that she only reads it when I send her the link, not to mention she's a big girl and has heard these words before. So I feel secure and justified in asking, ARE YOU SHITTING ME!? I offered to find you recipes. I did not offer to be your gofer. I understand the transportation issue, but seeing as you'll be arriving a whole day before I do, and staying in Dad's house, maybe you want to ask your host if he can pick up a few things for you. Or, ship them ahead of time. Or, order them off that website I sent you. Three perfectly reasonable options other than asking someone who lives an hour away from the place you'll be staying and won't see you until almost 24 hours after your arrival to go grocery shopping for you.

Don't make more than one trip to find any of this. Oh, okay. Because I was going to haul halfway across the state to find kamut flour raisin bread - 2 loaves - but since you told me I don't have to go to all THAT trouble...

She doesn't have strong allergic reactions...but she feels much better without them... That had better be some kind of turnaround for you to ask anyone to go out of their way to make foods without these things. I re-read the letter from the Christmas card and it seems that her "mental clarity" and "emotional brightness" are improved by the elimination of these foods. I must have assumed that meant chronic migraines or something. Maybe I'm insensitive, but to me, if an allergy doesn't have a physical manifestation (asphyxiation, sneezing, swelling, asthma, migraines, hives, diarrhea, vertigo, etc.) then it doesn't count as enough of an allergy to ask anyone to make exception for you - especially to this degree. Pending more information, maybe your 18-year-old home-schooled daughter in gray rainy Seattle was, I don't know, experiencing depression. In my experience, depression wreaks havoc on focus and cheeriness and is distinctly common in girls from adolescence to early adulthood, and especially in those with limited social interaction and who live in a dreary environment. Just a thought.

Maybe you, (Husband) and I can go off in a corner somewhere and discuss politics. I can only guess at what this is supposed to mean and here it is. The family loves nothing more than a nice political "discussion" at any and every gathering, especially one in which they're all arguing in favor of the same point, but if I'm doing it at a higher decibel level than you are, I win. Husband won't participate in the volume-equals-value matches: if he disagrees or sees false information thrown out, he will present his argument calmly and rationally using facts and evidence. Because the family is, by and large, flag-wavingly bumper-sticker-applyingly liberal, even though Husband runs independent, any dissension in the ranks equates to The Enemy. UncleR and AuntG are actual conservatives, but distance minimizes interaction. And (remember that this is my best guess) at dinner with Dad recently, I was PMSy and drank a few glasses of wine on very little food, so when Dad mentioned how great it was that Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize, I started ranting about how that was crap. The wine and hormones are important in the scenario because under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn't have reacted around Dad. I avoid conflict of any sort and vehemently hate these "discussions." So now I guess Dad thinks that I'm a raging conservative and told this to UncleR and AuntG and now they're all excited that they have a compatriot in me and Husband, when really, they don't.

I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised by it. These are also the people who, when I was in college, decided that my immortal soul was in immediate peril and that it was up to them to save me. They sent me a 6-sheet letter, chockablock full of Bible quotes and evangelical rhetoric, written sometimes on both sides of the page. To sweeten the deal, they included a $5 bill. So I got a free lunch and a good laugh (I told you religion and I don't mix), and when I brought the letter home on break, my cat promptly threw up on it. They haven't tried to convert me since.

Anyway, mustering up all the manners that Mom desperately tried to drill into me, I managed a civil response informing them of my ETA, but adding that I would keep my eye out. Nice and noncommittal.

That was the last I heard from anyone on the matter for a few days, while my anxiety and dread of this holiday rose. I picked up some spelt flour and vegan margarine at Whole Foods to make the promised cookies. I worked on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day with InLaws was blissfully uneventful. Lots of good food, lots of great gifts. I took December 26 off in order to make the hypo-allergenic cookies and just to have a day to myself to relax before we went over.

About noon, I received a call from AuntG. She was going grocery shopping at Giant (*snort!* Good luck!) and wanted to know what had I managed to pick up for CousinM, so that they wouldn't have to. Stunned at the... I don't know, assumption? exploitation? imposition?... I mumbled out about the flour and margarine and that they could have everything I didn't use. I set the phone back on the charger, still amazed at all this.

Less than 15 minutes later, I received another call, this time from Dad. Did I happen to have... some extra blankets? Yeah... I have a couple of throw blankets on the couch... And, do I happen to have any folding chairs? Yeah... I have A folding chair... And um, do I have an extra card table? No, sorry, no card table...why? Well..., could I bring those with me when I drive up tonight?

Seriously? You invite 12 people to your house, 10 of them are STAYING IN your house, and you don't plan in advance for bed linens and dinner seating? When did this realization hit him, I wonder. I thought it was wierd of him to have 13 people sitting at a 6-seater dining table (8 if you squish), but I imagined he'd make arrangements for that before people arrived. Silly me. I corralled my paint-spattered folding chair and cat fuzz-covered blankets into the pile with the gifts we were bringing.

About 1 pm, Sister calls. She's just heard that the Seattles and SoCars got presents for her, and she can't show up without anything for them. Could I pleasepleaseplease stop by a chain bookstore and grab a couple of $10 gift cards for her for them? (Come on Sis, you didn't think you'd escape completely unscathed when you still owe me $20, did you?!) Understanding of the predicament (we hardly ever see the extended family, so we don't really do gifts back and forth, and it came as a surprise to Sister), I agree. However, I'm in the middle of hypo-allergenic cookie making and can't just leave to go do that. Husband calls as he's leaving work and, with my hands covered in pecan batter, I ask him if he could pleasepleaseplease stop by the Barnes and Noble on his way home? Vying for sainthood, he agrees, even though it's the day after Christmas and people will be packing the stores to make exchanges and take advantage of after-Christmas sales. Thank you honey!

A little after 4pm, we're on the road, armed with 11 gifts, three tins of cookies, two throw blankets, two gift cards, a folding chair, a serving platter, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Unfortunately, the lead-up was the most entertaining part of it all. This is what I mean by anticlimactic.

The only real points of interest during the evening include:

• Dog fighting. No, Michael Vick was not invited. Dad has a Boston Terrier ("Canine"; not his real name) that I have never been a fan of (I'm a cat person but I don't dislike dogs as a whole; I just don't like this one) and in his golden years has become increasingly unpredictable and snappish. AuntZ brought the SoCars' two dogs with her this year because their one dog, Blue, is very very old (I can't remember a time without Blue) and AuntZ was afraid to leave her even in someone else's care. Blue has bad arthritis and doesn't see well. At least twice while we were there, Canine perceived Blue as trying to encroach on his territory/toy/snack/what have you, and clamped down on her neck, growling and snarling until we pulled him off. Here's hoping Blue (and everyone else) survived the rest of the trip intact.
• Amazon Wishlists. They are made for a purpose: to let people know what someone might like if the giver cannot think of anything on their own but wants to give the lister a gift. The problem arises when a person shops the wishlist, but does not shop on Amazon... and does not inform anyone of this. Sister shopped my wishlist and shopped on Amazon (thank you, Seester!), but apparently not everyone did. Because now I have three copies of Emma, two of Sense and Sensibility, two of The Last Town on Earth, two of Persuasion, two of The Blank Slate, and two of Pride & Prejudice. And with one more Christmas to go this upcoming weekend, we'll see how many copies I can amass by the end of it all...
• The "discussion" that wasn't. Dad got the Seattles a book by Tom Brokaw - don't ask me which one - and makes some grand announcement of a personal opinion on the matter. I heard UncleR make a comment to the contrary, but something must have distracted Dad because he let it go.
• Dad and AuntZ trying to recapture their youth. So presents are opened and wrapping paper is mostly cleaned up and Husband and I are just sitting by the fire and trying to stay out of the way. Dad and AuntZ are in the kitchen working on dinner, and happen to be standing right next to the stove where several pots full of hot contents are situated. I watch as they repeatedly try to do some flying double-slap high-five that apparently they haven't mastered in the 40 years since they were the proper age to do such a thing. You can see where this is going can't you? Bingo! One clumsy arm-fling too many and down comes Dad's hand on the pot with the melted butter. Butter all over the place. Butter in AuntZ's hair. Butter on the floor. Boiling butter on Dad's hand, and he howls and stomps and races to the sink to rinse it under cold water. So, Youth 1, Dad 0. Fear not - he's fine, I checked.
• Dad and AuntZ squabbling over seating. Apparently AuntZ was trying to arrange it so that everyone could fit around the table. Pipe dream if you ask me; there's no way to comfortably seat 13 people at a maximum 8-seater table. We can manage up to 10 if we sacrifice the "comfortable" part of the equation. We can comfortably fit more if there's a card table. But remember that I didn't have and could not supply a card table and that Dad did not plan for a card table. I think Dad had placed a couple of chairs at a console table behind the couch to add some seating, and there was a TV tray set up... I don't know how he had it but AuntZ is trying to rearrange chairs and Dad is not having any, so he starts bellowing at her across the room about how she's messing everything up. She bellows back about how she's trying to fix it so that we can all eat together, and they squabble for another minute, stopping short of name calling, but only just. We ended up using Dad's original seating arrangement, and AuntZ and UncleF sat at TV tables in the living room. At least dinner was good, and fully cooked, which (and I know this is catty, but hey, truth is truth) is an improvement over when Dad's now-ex-wife was cooking.
• UncleR must have a better dishwasher, thicker wine glasses, or just doesn't imbibe particularly often. In attempt to do a good deed, he was washing the dishes and loading the dishwasher, and was putting the wineglasses in the dishwasher. He closed the upper rack and that's when we heard the crink of a thin glass breaking. So it's an official family dinner, and my universal truths remain intact: perhaps no furniture was broken, but we got our shattered glassware in there!

I'm Dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

I wasn't going to post about Jamie Lynn Spears because, really, what's there to say. But Friend and Rosie-Fan Kate specifically requested it, and far be it from me to deny my faithful and adoring audience. Miss Kate - would you give me a boost onto my soapbox please? Thank you. So here we go.

Really, I think the entire Spears clan conspires to give us a Hee Haw Christmas present every year. A late gift of a quickie marriage and quickie annulment to hometown buddy Jason Alexander just after the New Year in 2004. FedSpawn in 2005. Head-shaving in 2006. Now teen pregnancy in 2007.

Except for the fact that another Spears is experiencing an untimely pregnancy - and this one at 16 - the details are fuzzy. BabyDaddy is 18 not 19 - or was when they conceived. BabyDaddy is or is not actually Lil Romeo (sorry To-Be-Left-Anonymous Gossip Contributor - I just can't bring myself to believe this one; I think Lil Romeo's got more sense than to hitch his wagon to THIS team!) Jamie Lynn was or was not dating BabyDaddy since she was 13. Jamie Lynn did or did not get pregnant on purpose to keep BabyDaddy in the relationship. Jamie Lynn did or did not get pregnant on purpose to grab some of the spotlight from her cautionary tale sister. Jamie Lynn was or was not given a proper sex education. (I vote Not.)

To me, this is nothing short of absolutely infuriating for any number of reasons, among them:

• Jamie Lynn is 16, is three months along, and is happy about this.




• Mama Lynne seems happy about this - or at least readily acceptant.




• Jamie Lynn didn't have the cajones to actually say the words to Mama Lynne. Jamie Lynn sat her down and handed her a note, then walked out of the room. If it were my kid and she thought she was grown enough to be having sex but was too immature to look me in the eye and actually say those three little words, "Mom, I'm Pregnant," heads would roll. Heads would probably roll anyway, but with far more velocity, mayhem, and gore in the posited scenario. However, may I add a quote from Mama Lynne: "I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby." Yes, because no one has sex before 11pm.




• Nickelodeon - which carries and produces kids' show Zoey 101, which I had no idea Jamie Lynn was in (oh, to return to the blissful ignorance of a week ago! When frankly, I also had no idea that Jamie Lynn even existed...) - is not only not going to cancel her show and not only not going to replace her as the title character, but is actually considering the mainstream equivalent of an after school special, discussing teen sex. Starring, of course, the lovely Jamie Lynn.




• Mama Lynne actually considers herself such a role model and inspiration to parents everywhere that she was actually in the process of writing a parenting guide. I'll admit to a bit of sadness, as the much-anticipated book has been placed on indefinite hiatus, because when I heard it was even in the works, all I could think was, STOCKING STUFFERS FOR 2008!

I read an article on MSN about how we shouldn't be all that upset that a teen is having a baby because it happens all the time. Specific wording: "...I suggest we all take a deep breath. She's not the first 16-year-old girl to find herself in such a state..." True. I went to junior high school with a pregnant girl. The article went on to imply that we should really be mad at Mama Lynne for raising over-indulged, out-of-control children. I can't entirely fault that logic, but neither can I blame her completely (as the lovely ladies at Go Fug Yourself point out, among the thoughts running through Mama Lynne's head might be this little number: "...what are we supposed to do, STAND OVER THE BED and STRAP THE CONDOM ON FOR THEM OURSELVES?!?!?! WE ARE ONLY HUMAN AND THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH WE CAN DO TO STOP SOMEONE ELSE FROM BEING A COMPLETE GODDAMN MORON...")

I think what pisses me off most is the way in which the news broke. It wasn't some paparazzo pawing through the Looziyana Spears' trash and happened upon a positive pregnancy test. It wasn't some mouthy friend leaking it to the press. Jamie Lynn and Mama Lynne announced it via OK! magazine. ANNOUNCED IT. Like it's an induction to Mensa. Like it's a good thing that this teenager is about to be a mommy. So what I'm getting at is that the above article missed the point entirely. This is not shock at a teen pregnancy. It's shock at the pregnancy of a teen whom a lot of other teens, tweens, and kids look up to and want to emulate.

Furthermore, this is not a cowed 16-year-old, expressing astonished surprise that the condom broke or the Pill didn't work or whatever, yet taking stoic responsibility for the results and showing resolute determination to provide this child as balanced and nurturing a life as they can manage. This is essentially, "Hey y'all! I'm gonna have a baybee! Eeee!" and, "Hey y'all! My little girl is all grown up! Can't vote, can't drink, can barely drive a car, but she's gonna have a baybee! Eeee!" Know what this tells all the little Zoey 101 fans out there? "Having a baby is FUN! Having a baby is EASY! Nothing bad happens and no one gets mad at you! You get all these parties! And cute little baby clothes! And everyone gives you things! Besides, everyone in Hollywood knows babies are the latest accessory! Then it's born and you get to dress it up! Maybe we can get matching haircuts like Kate and Suri Cruise! I need to hit Petit Tresor and go SHOPPING! YAY!"

Some sage quotes from the expectant (expectorant?) mother:

• "I love babies, and I have nephews that I love ... All my friends have little brothers or sisters." Yes, that shows that you're ready to raise a child.
• "I have a great mom and she has raised three kids, so if I take lessons from her, I think I'll be great." Oh goody! Another generation of daily tabloid fodder! At least I can rest assured in the knowledge that The Soup will have material for decades to come.
• "My mom will be helping me so much... I have to take responsibility and do a lot of it myself, but she's going to have to teach me so much..." Possibly the closest thing to actual insight that she is too young and has no effing idea what she's doing. And yet... it changes nothing...
• "I'm not showing, but some days I'm like, 'Wow, I feel like I'm showing today,' and Mom says, 'No, you're not. Be quiet.' It's great to have her there. She is really supportive of me..." There. Are. No. Words.
• "I think it's something that you just know how to do... As your body changes and all these things happen, I think it becomes natural to know what to do..." Yes, your sister offered this corn-nut of wisdom in 2003, "Cooking is kind of like motherhood. To be really good at it, you don't need instructions. You kind of just go on instinct and what feels right," and that has turned out so well for her. Lossofcustodysayswhat?

Don't misunderstand. I'm glad that society as a whole has lightened up on single parenthood. No one's fussing at Jessica Alba for her recent announcement. But then, Jessica Alba is a legal/mental/emotional adult. There's nothing wrong with a mature, self-supporting adult raising a child on their own. But no one should be happy that a teenager gets pregnant. Do you remember how stupid you were as a teenager? I do!! God I was dumb. Probably still am, but less so and in different ways. Can you imagine being any kind of a good example to anyone else at that age?

So shame on Lynne and Jamie Lynn for their excited announcement that a moron and her moron boyfriend are reproducing. Shame on Big Sis for sending this abomination of a baby gift. And shame on Nickelodeon for not underlining the should-be message that actions have consequences.

(Psst! Kate! Help me down please...)

The Best Artists You're Not Listening To

I have eclectic taste, to put it kindly. Flip through my CD collection and you'll find everything from Harry Connick Jr. to Paul Simon to Aerosmith to Tori Amos to Ian Tyson to Norah Jones to The Cure. But every now and again, I pop in a CD I haven't listened to in a while and it's a rediscovery. Damn this group was GOOD! Why don't we hear more of them (or hear from them anymore)? Why must my radio be filled with whiny emo/garage band crap, or imbecilic hip hop, or sleazy/skanky country? Why can't I flip on DC 101 and hear THESE groups and THESE songs?

Exhibit A: The Donnas.

Yes, they got radio play a few years ago with "Take It Off," (also made famous by a certain dodgeball playoff game) but it was only played on the erstwhile 99.1 WHFS (R.I.P.). I was just flipping through the stations when I caught it, but I stuck around long enough to find out who it was. I was so hooked by just that one listen that I actually bought the album (Spend the Night, 2002); I very very rarely buy an album unless I'm already familiar with the artist's work (minimum 3 songs). I was not disappointed. The lyrics are simplistic but clever, the music is the original definition of rock - lots of raging guitar and strong drums. I would pop the CD on when I'd had a rough day at work and needed some escapism. Spend the Night is largely, as many complainers have noted, about partying, hooking up, and getting drunk. But it's funny, and (like Blondie before them) it breaks from the all-too-familiar woman-rock (well, not just "rock" - it's across the board...) sound of pining away for bad men who will break or already broke their hearts; instead, "Dirty Denim" and "You Wanna Get Me High" are all about taking control and rejecting pretentious guys. Ah, refreshing. They followed it up with Gold Medal two years later ("Fall Behind Me" was featured in - of all things - a Ford or Chevy commercial) and showed great maturity in their writing, a much more grown-up album both in music and lyrics. On Monday, friends Matt & Michelle gave me their latest album, Bitchin', for Christmas. And oh, it is! The Donnas are singlehandedly trying to bring back arena rock (you remember... Kiss, Def Leppard, Alice Cooper... when the show mattered as much as the song... when bands didn't take themselves so effing seriously...), even down to the 80's metal-style disc art and black leather pants on the cover. I started laughing maniacally when the first track cued up, probably freaking out the other morning rush drivers, but the CD is seven kinds of awesome!

Exhibit B: Fiona Apple.

Apparently Ms. Apple pissed off a lot of people during a certain awards ceremony speech and she's barely been heard from publicly since. Which is too bad because the upshot of her speech was to not mold yourself to the model of celebrities and to actually be authentic and original and true to yourself. I know. I agree. Inflammatory. But I digress. Anyway, I picked up her debut album, Tidal, back in 1997, and I think I was probably too young and immature to really appreciate it, though I listened to it incessantly for months. But I found it again this year and, wow. The music is almost perfectly balanced in all respects, the lyrics are deep and intense. And despite the sound of the song that got her the most radio play back in '97 ("Sleep to Dream"), she's not a manhater, and in fact spends most of the album alternately beating herself up and trying to protect herself from her own instincts. Friends Ryan & MaryKate got me Extraordinary Machine for Christmas and, while it's very different from Tidal, it's still outstanding. More produced (was expecting that) and I think the music is too loud behind her (and a little too much jazz flute in places I don't think it needs to be), but the lyrics are still written with the same care and passion and introspection. And the title track has been happily running through my head ever since.

Exhibit C: Ben Folds (and/or Five).

Roommate Laura in college had Whatever and Ever Amen from Ben Folds Five, and I bless her and think of her every time I play it. In high school, we all heard "Brick" but only a handful knew what it was about (I was not one of them), and now that I do too, it's the only song I can't listen to on the entire album because I get teary. I've never had the misfortune to experience the subject of the song, but Ben writes with such intensity that you ache for the people it's about. He can write in any style you want (I direct you to the surprising "Steven's Last Night in Town" in 40's swing). He can express the irony in the everyday better than just about any other songwriter I've ever heard ("All is Fair"), fights for the eventual victory of the awkward geek in all of us ("One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces"), describes internal turmoil ("Smoke" and "Missing the War" in particular), and sometimes just lays it all on the line ("Song for the Dumped"). His solo effort (Rockin' the Suburbs) was a little rough around the edges (a bit too repetitive in both theme and title for "Carrying Cathy" and "Losing Lisa," which might not have offended my sensibilities so much if they weren't back to back) but there are some very personal gems ("The Luckiest" is essentially a love letter to his wife, and you can almost hear him talking to his infant son in "Still Fighting It") and his crafted talent is still evident in every note and syllable.

I'm sure I'll have more groups in later posts, but these are the three I'm obsessed with right now. And also the reason I haven't listened to the radio in weeks.

Happy Hanukkah!

I don't do religion. Never have. Never will. I know this because I tried - really I did! - and nothing stuck. All my references to celebrating Christmas are strictly secular in nature, and it's mainly to give a name to a day on which I gather with my family (like it or not) and we give each other presents and eat too much.

However, through my flirtation with Judaism, not to mention that I have not been locked away in a hole in the ground during my 28 years here in existence, I know something about keeping kosher and other basic tenets of the Jewish religion. I also know that New York has one of the - if not the - highest concentration of Jews in the entire country.

So this may be the funniest thing I've heard all day. And just in case they pull the story in favor of more current fare, let me post it for you here...

New York store red faced over 'Hanukkah hams'
Dec 6 12:55 PM US/Eastern

A posh food store in New York's Greenwich Village has found itself red faced after offering hams for sale with the slogan "Delicious for Hanukkah," the current Jewish religious holiday.

The non-kosher labelling was spotted at the weekend by Manhattan novelist Nancy Kay Shapiro, 46, who decided instead of alerting management to take a picture of the unorthodox sign and post it on the Internet.

"I just thought it was funny," Shapiro, who described herself as an unobservant Jew, told the New York Post. "I wasn't offended in any way. I just thought, here's somebody who knows nothing about what Jews eat."

By the time Shapiro returned to the store on Tuesday, the first night of Hanukkah, the signs had vanished, the newspaper reported.

A manager at the Balducci's gourmet grocery store told the newspaper that the sign was a mistake and blamed it on a stock clerk.

Pork and shellfish are among the foods considered unclean under Jewish law.