The Politics of Modern Holidays

(Yes those holidays. Yes, this early. First, a little preface...)

All my life, my holidays have been split. Neither of my parents wanted to exclude their families from Christmas celebrations, and both sets lived more or less in the area. So on Christmas Eve, for 25 years, we spent the afternoon and evening with my father's family, and on Christmas Day, for 25 years, we spent the day with my mother's family. This is how it had always been.

Two years ago, I added a third family to the mix, and admittedly changed up the schedule by having Christmas Day with the InLaws, and we drove down to my grandmother's house on Dec 26 to be with my mother's family. I figured if Husband was giving up part of his long-standing traditions to accomodate my family (his family is sane and has only ever had Christmas and the surrounding to-do in one place), my family was going to have to do some accomodating too. This seemed to be a reasonable solution that we could maintain.

But last year they had to change it up again. Sister had (at the time) an almost-3-year old daughter. I will be the first to say that travelling with a toddler is a feat undertaken only by the very brave or very crazed, and so after two brave/crazed Christmasses, the command decision was that Sister, Niece, and Mom would stay out in Colorado, and Grandma and GreatAunt would fly out to see them. Due to... let's say unpleasantness... in my career path, I was unable to score enough time off to go to them. And considering the drama that did in fact happen due to sudden blizzards and air travel, it's probably just as well that I didn't.

This year, I was glad that things were returning to normal. I dislike change, and I cling to my traditions, so the uproar of the last couple of years has been upsetting to me, but (at least for 2005), I thought we had a workable plan. Dec 24 with Dad, Dec 25 with InLaws, and Dec 26/27 with Mom.

So much for that, and I suppose I had better get used to it. Dad emails me the other day. I'll sum up. The entire family - Aunt/Uncle/Cousin, Uncle/Aunt/Cousin, Grands (aka The Table Breakers), Sister, and Niece - will be convening at Dad's house for Christmas this year. However, the Grands, A/U/C and U/A/C will not be arriving until Dec 25, and Sister's/Niece's flight doesn't arrive until Dec 26. So how about Husband and I come over on Dec 26 for Christmas.

First, let me praise him for a) being considerate enough to understand the Dec 25 has been earmarked for InLaws, and b) planning ahead - he's famous for asking us within the week if we want to get together for X big plan (I almost did a blog on this back in July, but I ran out of care.)

Now that that's done, I get to vent my righteous frustration. This arrangement throws my whole steady plan into uproar. What am I supposed to do about seeing Mom's family this year if he eats the 26th? Mom will probably be flying in around the same time as Sister. Between yet another new job (meaning, very limited PTO), and an obligation to be in the office on Dec 28 (the Powers That Be arranged a submittal to go out on Dec 28; good plan), if I see Dad's family on the 26th, then I have exactly one day to see Mom's family, and driving down to Richmond and back on one day, while cramming holiday celebration in the middle is not exactly a palatable option to me, nor would it be to Grandma or Mom.

The Aunts and Uncles boil down to peripheral relatives in my mind, and I think priority should be given to the immediates. Grandma and GreatAunt are in their 80s (and haven't broken any of our furniture), and I see Mom rarely due to the distance, so my normal feeling on the matter is to spend a little extra time with them. Dad's family is mostly in the area (he and Grands live in Virginia), so I see them pretty regularly, hence spending only the one evening with them.

I would tell Dad "Tough", that his day is the 24th, that changing the rhythm really puts me in a crunch trying to accomodate all sides. However, not only would this not make sense to him (why don't I just decline Mom's family this year), but everyone else in the family is making the effort for this big trek (A/U/C are coming up from South Carolina; U/A/C are flying in from Seattle, Sister and Niece are flying in from Denver), so I feel some obligation to be there.

After letting me have my 15 minutes of rantage at the proposed change to schedule, Husband suggested I call Mom and coordinate with her. Maybe I can arrange for her and Grandma/GreatAunt to come up on the 26th and stay the night; then we can do our family holiday at Husband's and my house on the 27th. It's still a little messy, but it's a thought. Maybe Mom can figure it out better.

But in truth, I hate this. I hate being a hinge. I hate having my life turned upside down trying to accomodate everyone and make sure no one's feelings are hurt. I hate that I run myself ragged and all over the state trying to placate this family, or this. I hate that Husband has given up a lot of his holiday traditions to make room for my nutty family.

And before you call me a selfish witch (timely) for getting frustrated that I have to change MY plans, let me say that not only have I had to do this my whole life, but I'm aware that I'm not the only one:

• I know Husband hates the shuffling about - as I said, he always had calm holidays in one setting until he married me. And I know he hates watching me nearly kill myself every year because WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A NICE EFFING CHRISTMAS, DAMMIT.
• I know Sister hates dragging Niece all over creation (not hates bringing her, just hates uprooting her and moving her from house to house to house, and then hoping she brought enough toys and movies to entertain Niece while sort of marooned in a strange place) and probably wishes they could have a nice calm Christmas at home.
• I know Mom hates flying into Richmond and spending the days leading up to Christmas cleaning house because Grandma can't do it so well and Uncle won't.
• I know Grandma hates that she only gets to see us for a little bit at a time and that most of us are incredibly tense due to the cleaning, the driving, the togetherness, etc.
• And I know Dad probably hates that he hasn't seen his kids ON Christmas since the early '90s (but that was part of the point of the new plan in which we see the InLaws on Christmas Proper: now Mom doesn't see us on Christmas either, so he loses a complaint card).

One thing's for certain. Once Husband and I have kids, everyone who wants to see us is coming to us. I want our kids to have traditions - STABLE traditions - and I know how much headache all this back-and-forth has caused me.