I'm Dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

I wasn't going to post about Jamie Lynn Spears because, really, what's there to say. But Friend and Rosie-Fan Kate specifically requested it, and far be it from me to deny my faithful and adoring audience. Miss Kate - would you give me a boost onto my soapbox please? Thank you. So here we go.

Really, I think the entire Spears clan conspires to give us a Hee Haw Christmas present every year. A late gift of a quickie marriage and quickie annulment to hometown buddy Jason Alexander just after the New Year in 2004. FedSpawn in 2005. Head-shaving in 2006. Now teen pregnancy in 2007.

Except for the fact that another Spears is experiencing an untimely pregnancy - and this one at 16 - the details are fuzzy. BabyDaddy is 18 not 19 - or was when they conceived. BabyDaddy is or is not actually Lil Romeo (sorry To-Be-Left-Anonymous Gossip Contributor - I just can't bring myself to believe this one; I think Lil Romeo's got more sense than to hitch his wagon to THIS team!) Jamie Lynn was or was not dating BabyDaddy since she was 13. Jamie Lynn did or did not get pregnant on purpose to keep BabyDaddy in the relationship. Jamie Lynn did or did not get pregnant on purpose to grab some of the spotlight from her cautionary tale sister. Jamie Lynn was or was not given a proper sex education. (I vote Not.)

To me, this is nothing short of absolutely infuriating for any number of reasons, among them:

• Jamie Lynn is 16, is three months along, and is happy about this.




• Mama Lynne seems happy about this - or at least readily acceptant.




• Jamie Lynn didn't have the cajones to actually say the words to Mama Lynne. Jamie Lynn sat her down and handed her a note, then walked out of the room. If it were my kid and she thought she was grown enough to be having sex but was too immature to look me in the eye and actually say those three little words, "Mom, I'm Pregnant," heads would roll. Heads would probably roll anyway, but with far more velocity, mayhem, and gore in the posited scenario. However, may I add a quote from Mama Lynne: "I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby." Yes, because no one has sex before 11pm.




• Nickelodeon - which carries and produces kids' show Zoey 101, which I had no idea Jamie Lynn was in (oh, to return to the blissful ignorance of a week ago! When frankly, I also had no idea that Jamie Lynn even existed...) - is not only not going to cancel her show and not only not going to replace her as the title character, but is actually considering the mainstream equivalent of an after school special, discussing teen sex. Starring, of course, the lovely Jamie Lynn.




• Mama Lynne actually considers herself such a role model and inspiration to parents everywhere that she was actually in the process of writing a parenting guide. I'll admit to a bit of sadness, as the much-anticipated book has been placed on indefinite hiatus, because when I heard it was even in the works, all I could think was, STOCKING STUFFERS FOR 2008!

I read an article on MSN about how we shouldn't be all that upset that a teen is having a baby because it happens all the time. Specific wording: "...I suggest we all take a deep breath. She's not the first 16-year-old girl to find herself in such a state..." True. I went to junior high school with a pregnant girl. The article went on to imply that we should really be mad at Mama Lynne for raising over-indulged, out-of-control children. I can't entirely fault that logic, but neither can I blame her completely (as the lovely ladies at Go Fug Yourself point out, among the thoughts running through Mama Lynne's head might be this little number: "...what are we supposed to do, STAND OVER THE BED and STRAP THE CONDOM ON FOR THEM OURSELVES?!?!?! WE ARE ONLY HUMAN AND THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH WE CAN DO TO STOP SOMEONE ELSE FROM BEING A COMPLETE GODDAMN MORON...")

I think what pisses me off most is the way in which the news broke. It wasn't some paparazzo pawing through the Looziyana Spears' trash and happened upon a positive pregnancy test. It wasn't some mouthy friend leaking it to the press. Jamie Lynn and Mama Lynne announced it via OK! magazine. ANNOUNCED IT. Like it's an induction to Mensa. Like it's a good thing that this teenager is about to be a mommy. So what I'm getting at is that the above article missed the point entirely. This is not shock at a teen pregnancy. It's shock at the pregnancy of a teen whom a lot of other teens, tweens, and kids look up to and want to emulate.

Furthermore, this is not a cowed 16-year-old, expressing astonished surprise that the condom broke or the Pill didn't work or whatever, yet taking stoic responsibility for the results and showing resolute determination to provide this child as balanced and nurturing a life as they can manage. This is essentially, "Hey y'all! I'm gonna have a baybee! Eeee!" and, "Hey y'all! My little girl is all grown up! Can't vote, can't drink, can barely drive a car, but she's gonna have a baybee! Eeee!" Know what this tells all the little Zoey 101 fans out there? "Having a baby is FUN! Having a baby is EASY! Nothing bad happens and no one gets mad at you! You get all these parties! And cute little baby clothes! And everyone gives you things! Besides, everyone in Hollywood knows babies are the latest accessory! Then it's born and you get to dress it up! Maybe we can get matching haircuts like Kate and Suri Cruise! I need to hit Petit Tresor and go SHOPPING! YAY!"

Some sage quotes from the expectant (expectorant?) mother:

• "I love babies, and I have nephews that I love ... All my friends have little brothers or sisters." Yes, that shows that you're ready to raise a child.
• "I have a great mom and she has raised three kids, so if I take lessons from her, I think I'll be great." Oh goody! Another generation of daily tabloid fodder! At least I can rest assured in the knowledge that The Soup will have material for decades to come.
• "My mom will be helping me so much... I have to take responsibility and do a lot of it myself, but she's going to have to teach me so much..." Possibly the closest thing to actual insight that she is too young and has no effing idea what she's doing. And yet... it changes nothing...
• "I'm not showing, but some days I'm like, 'Wow, I feel like I'm showing today,' and Mom says, 'No, you're not. Be quiet.' It's great to have her there. She is really supportive of me..." There. Are. No. Words.
• "I think it's something that you just know how to do... As your body changes and all these things happen, I think it becomes natural to know what to do..." Yes, your sister offered this corn-nut of wisdom in 2003, "Cooking is kind of like motherhood. To be really good at it, you don't need instructions. You kind of just go on instinct and what feels right," and that has turned out so well for her. Lossofcustodysayswhat?

Don't misunderstand. I'm glad that society as a whole has lightened up on single parenthood. No one's fussing at Jessica Alba for her recent announcement. But then, Jessica Alba is a legal/mental/emotional adult. There's nothing wrong with a mature, self-supporting adult raising a child on their own. But no one should be happy that a teenager gets pregnant. Do you remember how stupid you were as a teenager? I do!! God I was dumb. Probably still am, but less so and in different ways. Can you imagine being any kind of a good example to anyone else at that age?

So shame on Lynne and Jamie Lynn for their excited announcement that a moron and her moron boyfriend are reproducing. Shame on Big Sis for sending this abomination of a baby gift. And shame on Nickelodeon for not underlining the should-be message that actions have consequences.

(Psst! Kate! Help me down please...)