I was treated to a live airing of Springer-quality family drama on my way in this morning. Elliot was talking about earpieces or something and had a good run mocking the Apple Bottom Jeans song and some other crap from Usher, etc., but then he went to commercial and whatever the product they were hawking was, it was a commercial I abhor (there are so many to choose from), so I surfed stations. And of all things, I got roped into this super-special segment on HOT! 99.5. I know, but bear with me. If you're familiar with my penchant for all things trailer-trashy, you'll understand what caught my interest.
So DJ Kane is chatting with a nice girl named Patty. Patty is participating in Kane's "War of the Roses" schtick, in which we sneakily confront alleged cheaters on air. Patty is telling Kane about all the things that make her think her husband Lance (his actual name) might be cheating on her, including how he gets texts and emails from other women (Lance claims they're for work) all the time, and how he'll come home late (Lance claims he forgot to mention he was meeting a friend after work to grab a beer), or how when they took a family trip to Amsterdam (who goes to Amsterdam for a family vacation?) Lance left Patty and their son out in the cold while he dashed into one of the... um... establishments in the Red Light district for a span of time unspecified by Patty, though one can imagine that standing confused on the streets of Amsterdam can warp a person's perception of time (Lance claims he was taking pictures of the inside for a friend back home so Friend could see what the Red Light houses were like).
Now, if you remain unconvinced - as apparently Patty was - that Lance is a deadbeat who's only trying to see what else Patty will put up with, I think this next scrap of evidence is the nail in the coffin: one night Lance needed to return a movie to Blockbuster, so he left to do that at 7:30... and didn't return until 3 a.m. Now, take note Husband - if you leave to return a movie at 7:30 pm and I don't see you again until 3, it had better be in the ICU or in county lockup (which will require outstanding explanations of how you could get in that much trouble in the time it took you to return a movie to Blockbuster.) Patty stayed up till 3 a.m. and asked him when he got home where he'd been. Lance claimed to Patty that he'd gotten a call from a friend who needed help or "to talk" (take note ladies: men don't invite each other over "to talk;" if you hear this excuse, he's seeing someone on the side!) Problem with this excuse: he had left his cell phone at the house so that Patty couldn't call him to check up on him. D'oh!
And yet, Patty tells Kane that she just doesn't know. Seriously? How is that not proof positive? I call a 7.5 hour movie-return "grounds for divorce." But Patty just isn't sure. I know. I'm shaking my head in disbelief too.
So Kane offers to call Lance and put him to the test. (Another note ladies, you never need to "test" him for any reason. If you even feel the need to test him, you need to be ready to lose, in which case, you've already lost.)
Kane calls Lance's cell phone and, under the guise of a startup Internet florist, tells Lance he got Lance's phone number from a magazine subscriber list his "company" bought, and offers Lance a dozen romantic roses free of charge to send to anyone Lance requests. Lance is unsure, Kane claims that the gig is that the "florist" sends the roses to the recipient and hopes that Lance and the recipient are so thrilled with the service that they use the florist again. Almost plausible, I'll give him that. Lance takes the bait, and requests that the card say,
(wait for it...)
"Dear Angela, Last week was amazing. Can't wait for this weekend. Love, Lance."
I'll wait while the laughter dies down.
Of course, Patty is on the other line, listening in, and now breaks in with a string of terms not appropriate to share with my adoring fans. Also because they were bleeped out and I can only speculate. Lance is pretty solidly caught red-handed, though we can all agree that Patty is twelve kinds of dense for not having had enough proof before.
Lance backtracks - oh no, it's only to cheer Angela up! (Sounds to me like last week provided a fair amount of cheer, but that's just my perspective...) Seriously dude, you're screwed.
Spectacularly screwed.
But wait. There's more.
Patty, you seem particularly dismayed that it's "Angela." Do you know this Angela person?
Why yes, yes she does.
Angela is Patty's stepsister.
Thank you! You've been a terrific audience! I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitstaff! Enjoy the veal!
So DJ Kane is chatting with a nice girl named Patty. Patty is participating in Kane's "War of the Roses" schtick, in which we sneakily confront alleged cheaters on air. Patty is telling Kane about all the things that make her think her husband Lance (his actual name) might be cheating on her, including how he gets texts and emails from other women (Lance claims they're for work) all the time, and how he'll come home late (Lance claims he forgot to mention he was meeting a friend after work to grab a beer), or how when they took a family trip to Amsterdam (who goes to Amsterdam for a family vacation?) Lance left Patty and their son out in the cold while he dashed into one of the... um... establishments in the Red Light district for a span of time unspecified by Patty, though one can imagine that standing confused on the streets of Amsterdam can warp a person's perception of time (Lance claims he was taking pictures of the inside for a friend back home so Friend could see what the Red Light houses were like).
Now, if you remain unconvinced - as apparently Patty was - that Lance is a deadbeat who's only trying to see what else Patty will put up with, I think this next scrap of evidence is the nail in the coffin: one night Lance needed to return a movie to Blockbuster, so he left to do that at 7:30... and didn't return until 3 a.m. Now, take note Husband - if you leave to return a movie at 7:30 pm and I don't see you again until 3, it had better be in the ICU or in county lockup (which will require outstanding explanations of how you could get in that much trouble in the time it took you to return a movie to Blockbuster.) Patty stayed up till 3 a.m. and asked him when he got home where he'd been. Lance claimed to Patty that he'd gotten a call from a friend who needed help or "to talk" (take note ladies: men don't invite each other over "to talk;" if you hear this excuse, he's seeing someone on the side!) Problem with this excuse: he had left his cell phone at the house so that Patty couldn't call him to check up on him. D'oh!
And yet, Patty tells Kane that she just doesn't know. Seriously? How is that not proof positive? I call a 7.5 hour movie-return "grounds for divorce." But Patty just isn't sure. I know. I'm shaking my head in disbelief too.
So Kane offers to call Lance and put him to the test. (Another note ladies, you never need to "test" him for any reason. If you even feel the need to test him, you need to be ready to lose, in which case, you've already lost.)
Kane calls Lance's cell phone and, under the guise of a startup Internet florist, tells Lance he got Lance's phone number from a magazine subscriber list his "company" bought, and offers Lance a dozen romantic roses free of charge to send to anyone Lance requests. Lance is unsure, Kane claims that the gig is that the "florist" sends the roses to the recipient and hopes that Lance and the recipient are so thrilled with the service that they use the florist again. Almost plausible, I'll give him that. Lance takes the bait, and requests that the card say,
(wait for it...)
"Dear Angela, Last week was amazing. Can't wait for this weekend. Love, Lance."
I'll wait while the laughter dies down.
Of course, Patty is on the other line, listening in, and now breaks in with a string of terms not appropriate to share with my adoring fans. Also because they were bleeped out and I can only speculate. Lance is pretty solidly caught red-handed, though we can all agree that Patty is twelve kinds of dense for not having had enough proof before.
Lance backtracks - oh no, it's only to cheer Angela up! (Sounds to me like last week provided a fair amount of cheer, but that's just my perspective...) Seriously dude, you're screwed.
Spectacularly screwed.
But wait. There's more.
Patty, you seem particularly dismayed that it's "Angela." Do you know this Angela person?
Why yes, yes she does.
Angela is Patty's stepsister.
Thank you! You've been a terrific audience! I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitstaff! Enjoy the veal!
1 comment:
Oh Holy Jesus...
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