(In)Sensitive

My interactions with my father's family have been well documented here in the blog. I've heard them compared to a gross bug that makes you scream, "EW!", but instead of squashing it, you keep looking back to see what it's doing now. Here we have a new tale of paternal blundering, presented for your amusement.

A little background and catch-up before I launch into the story. Rosie will be Mama Rosie in October. Hooray! Perhaps that helps to explain my reticence in 2010. My parents have been divorced for somewhere in the range of 13 years. In that interim, my father remarried, and subsequently divorced his second wife after four years.

So here it is three years later. We invited Dad over in late March to let him know about the forthcoming grandbaby. In the course of conversation he mentioned that he had reconnected with an old college girlfriend on Facebook. I say, good for him, I'm glad to hear it.

Zoom forward another month, and I got an email from him this past Saturday. Because tone is important to the story, I feel quoting is appropriate:

Subject: Reservations Please.

Dear Rosie,

I would like an appointment to introduce you and Husband to someone special in my life during the weekend of 6/19 either Saturday or Sunday would be fine. You don’t need to plan anything special unless you wish but do allow a couple of hours.

Let me know.

Love,
Dad

After checking the calendar, I wrote back to say that we were clear that weekend, and that we'd be happy to meet her on Saturday the 19th. To remind him that I'm his daughter and not a client, I also asked "Why so formal?"

I received a response only hours later:

Hi Rosie,

The formality was supposed to be funny knowing how hard it is to get on your very busy calendar. I have to keep in mind how very sensitive you are and how sometimes my so-called sense of humor gets turned into something I did not intend.

In any case you assume that is want to introduce you to a “her”. Hmmmm….. I did not say that, but strangely you guessed correctly. Have you been corresponding with CousinM again? She met her last Sunday.

I started to fire off a response, but I knew I was furious and that there was nothing to be gained by a reply in such a state, so I deleted the draft reply and haven't responded yet.

"I have to keep in mind how very sensitive you are and how sometimes my so-called sense of humor gets turned into something I did not intend." I will admit I am a sensitive person and am easily stung, but this is classic blaming the victim. At what point was I supposed to infer that the opening email was a joke? A normal person would write, "Hi, what are you all doing on the 19th? I would like to see you two, but if that date's not convenient, let me know when you're free and we'll get together." That's all I was asking for. Not an apology or explanation, just a relaxed and familial tone. But that formality is how he writes all of his emails, like he's writing to a business correspondent. He's been using the Internet in various forms as long as I have - over 15 years now - so there is no excuse not to know that tone doesn't communicate readily through plain text. But it's clearly MY fault for misunderstanding and for convoluting his message. If I just wouldn't be so sensitive, everything would have been fine, but since I have this debilitating handicap, I must be treated with kid gloves. My fault.

"In any case you assume that [I]want to introduce you to a “her”." Well, yes. You told me you had reconnected with an old girlfriend over a month ago, so when you say you want me to meet a "special someone," please keep in mind that you are not subtle, and I am not stupid. I somehow doubt you would refer to a buddy as a "special someone." In these modern times, sure, it could have been a guy, except for that you already told me about "her." You couldn't have been so drunk that night that you don't remember telling me. Wait. I retract that statement.

"Have you been corresponding with CousinM again? She met her last Sunday." WTF. I withheld news about my pregnancy from anyone on his side of the family until I had told Dad because I thought it was only right that he hear first. I had wanted to tell CousinM, with whom I have a far better relationship, but I held back out of an apparently misplaced sense of propriety. The funny thing is, I was the last person to meet Wife 2.0 as well. I don't know why this is. Does he think I'm going to throw a tantrum at the thought of him marrying again, kicking and flailing and screaming, "She's not my mommy!" That's never going to happen. Aside from the fact that I'm not 6 years old, I'm happy to hear he's got a girlfriend. I'm happy he's happy. Mom's been with her boyfriend/fiance for 12 years. I supported the divorce, even back then. I do not and did not want them to get back together once it was done. So why the trepidation? And even though I know it's wrong to apply our principles to others' behavior, it frosts my last cookie that he's treating me like an afterthought again, like I'm the least important person to be introduced or told about this (since he obviously doesn't remember telling me in March).

Point of interest: He met/got engaged to/married Wife 2.0 when Sister was pregnant. Now he's getting serious about New GF, and I'm pregnant. Coincidence?

So I'm wondering. Is age 30 too late to put oneself up for adoption?