Would You Like Some Hate With That Firewood?

I've been meaning to put up this post for a couple of days now, but the holidays got in the way, as they tend to do this time of year. On Tuesday, Husband and I received a postcard-sized flyer tucked in our door jamb, advertising firewood and tree servicing. I was about to throw it away, as we have neither the space nor the use for firewood, and only two trees, neither of which needs removal, but something caught my eye and I paused to skim it.

What I share with you now is copied verbatim from the flyer, punctuation, capitalization, asides, ampersand abuse, and all. I will withhold the proprietor's name and street address, which he provided, because I am not in the business of inciting riot, or at least the egging of people's houses. I hope you enjoy this piece of fine literature as much as I did.

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SEASONED FIREWOOD FOR SALE!

I SELL A STACK!

6 Feet wide x 3 Feet high & the average length is 16 inches long.

1 Stack cost $130 but, if you buy 2 stacks or more you take $10 off each stack

or

go for the deal of 5 stacksfor $560

or

for the super deal of 6 stacks for $630.

ALL PRICES INCLUDE DELIVERY & (STACKING-> within reason).

Other people have been selling & giving less wood than this for years for the same price. To be honest a stack measures out to 1/5 of a cord. You can get alot more wood if you buy a cord, but most of the time the wood is big & cut anywhere from 4 inch long chunks to pieces as long as 2 feet (mixed) then delivered & dumped & you have to stack it then clean up the mess & then pray it will burn. So it's your choice let me do the work for you or you can. I lose alot of business (Tree & Wood) by being honest, but I'm not gonna change & hope to work for you.

HERE ARE A FEW THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

1) I'm Not being racist it's just that although the Spanish men (some Americans too) are willing to work cheap they AREN'T professionals. They help someone for a day or 2 and (SOMEHOW) get 10 to 20 years experience (that's what they tell you) anyway. So many have gotten hurt and some killed (I'm not making this up) following that pattern not to mention damaging your personal property. I'd also like to know how the Spanish and people from other countries can come to our country legal or illegal & can get credit, loans, new trucks,cars & equipment & houses or start a business when legal citizens almost have to get investigated by the FBI just to renew their drivers' licenses & are barely getting by?

2) Don't be taken by a fast smooth talking person with (big new trucks and equipment), they don't need. They're just showing off their (toys) to be envied by other tree people as well as creating (unnecessary) expenses that are passed on to you. (FANCY) doesn't mean professional.

3) Most say safety first then want to work up in a tree in high winds and rain. Then there are those that offer percentage discounts, then raise the estimate up so that when you deduct the percent-age the price comes down to what the original price would have been to start with (Unknown to the customer).

4) Doesn't it seem a little strange if someone tells you to get a couple of (written) estimates before they can give you their price? Is it because maybe they don't know how to price the work (amateurish)?, I think so. Also if someone gives you a ridiculously low price <--(I know that's what you want to hear) but, that should be a clue to something is not right.

5) I OFFER YOU 30 YEARS OF PROFESSIONAL, HARDWORKING EXPERIENCE ALL BACKED BY INTELLIGENCE! WORK INCLUDES TOPPING, TRIMMING, COMPLETE TREE REMOVAL, DEADWOODING, UPLIFTING, TRIMMING, THINNING AND STUMP REMOVAL.

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