An Open Letter to My Coworker

Dear Coworker,

I have been told that you are excellent in your field, that we could not do without you, and that you are a fascinating person in and of yourself. In fact, knowing the team you manage, I personally agree that we could not do without you - god forbid those morons should be left to run the show themselves.

But we have a few delicate issues that I feel must be addressed before my personal and professional opinion of you is damaged beyond repair.

To begin with, my cubicle is directly in front of your office. In contrast to my cubicle, your office has a door that closes. It does not, however, have a magical soundproof barrier that manifests the moment you cross the threshold. So when you shout to talk with your wife on speakerphone, I can hear it. When you finish your lunch and belch (and I don't mean one of those sneaky burps that catch you by surprise), I can hear it. And when you let one rip right there with the aforementioned door wide open for all the world to see, I CAN HEAR IT. Flatulence is simply not professional. Mercifully I have not smelled it as yet, but you really ought to reconsider your manners, consider closing the door, or speak with your doctor about the, um, distinctive problem you've been having.

Second, your vehicle. That you're a Texan is not the problem. That you drive a fire-engine red pick-em-up truck is not the problem. What is the problem is the oh-so-classy decor you have picked out to adorn the back window of your truck:

• The Stars & Bars. I'm a Southerner myself, and the Confederate flag itself does not bother me in the least. But when people start to put it on their modes of transportation, it goes from being anachronistic nostalgia to full on advertisement of your redneck status.

• "Don't Mess With Texas." Fine, no prob. Only, this is Virginia. But you put this on when you were in Texas, oh okay. So why would you tell someone already in Texas not to mess with it? Actually, I'll stop right there, I don't really want the headache that will almost assuredly follow this line of logic. Where was I? Oh yes.

• "Keep Honking. I'm Reloading." I remember this one. In fact, I thought this was hilarious. When I was 13. Not only is it unnecessarily aggressive and presumptive, it's just ugly and rude and makes you look like an ignorant clod who thinks that he with the biggest gun wins the argument. Furthermore, this county houses the HQ of the NRA, and we are within spitting distance of no less than three Army bases, a Marine base, and an Air Force base. Chances are good that the passengers of at least two of the four cars surrounding you at any given time are packing. Be glad that they're only honking. I say this from the perspective of someone who once witnessed the victim of a fender bender get out of his car with a baseball bat. (Did not see the result; I was late for my high school graduation already.)

• And finally, dear little Calvin of Calvin & Hobbes praying before a cross that looks like a gravestone. Not only am I quite sure that Bill Watterson did not approve the use of the likeness of his character for this little window decal considering his well-known abhorrence of merchandising, but having been a C&H fan for 20 years, I feel rather certain that it would not be in Calvin's character to be involved in any sort of restrictive, organized religious activity.

Bottom line: You are who you are. But you don't need to broadcast who you are to the world. There's self-expression. And then there's using a bullhorn. Furthermore, these are not necessarily the images that should be greeting current-or-potential clients when they are brought to the office to discuss current-or-potential projects.

Third, your attitude. You are a whiny bastard. I don't care that you've never done a report quite this way. This is the way the client approved. The way that you were used to doing reports? They said it was impossible to follow or to find information. So we're doing it this way now and you're just going to have to make your peace with that. Your section has been left out of the last two submittals because you couldn't get your shit together and get the report written in time to be included by the given deadline. So now you've got to write your report from scratch by the end of next month for the near-completion deadline. And I do mean you because we've already glossed over your near-worthless team. So if you screw it up, it will be you answering to Boss Man, not me, and Boss Man knows that. And though this has nothing to do with attitude, I don't want to start a new paragraph: please refrain from digging in your ear with the end of your pen during the morning meeting. That's just nasty.

I'm glad we cleared the air with this. Please proceed with your regularly scheduled tasks.

And here's a Gas-X to get you through the day.

Freshest regards,
Rosie